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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 30, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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( star-spangled banner playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> chris: hey, welcome back. we were gone for a while but now we are back. i will tell you all about it later but girls weekend was a bleeping disaster which is so us. the internet offers subscription services which ship you a big box every month, ships nerd collectors, birch box which sends out butte products to geeks like me, and curated in array of supplies for the avid masturbator. >> real good at it. i am really good at it.
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so good at it. well, this is 2017 and absolutely everything is politicized or something we can jerk off to, now president trump has his own introducing the big league box, i know, that is not trumpism for vagina. >> it is offered by the trump reelection campaign, yes the reelection campaign, what an unending hell of constant campaigning for the nice price of $69 a month. what? you will be sent, quote, a bundle exclusive vintage official donald j trump merchandise. feels appropriate to from a man who got his wife through the mail. so, comedians, what is something you would find in donald trump's big league box? >> sebastian bach. >> a sochi sochi. >> very good. allison becker. >> se member -- semen. >> >> i would like it in a pretty
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pouch. >> that's fun at the table. horatio. >> flashlight mini. >> yes, points. very good. it is about time. it is about time. next. although we have come to the end of the zone, the upcoming nfl season will likely enjoy a record number of instances of jazz hands because commissioner roger goodell says the league is relaxing their ban on touchdown dances. it is about he is tell you he is not mad but just disappointed. announce the move with all the enthusiasm you would expect like calling ferris buehler roll call players have told us they want more freedom to express themselves. well, that sound like more fun than eating a bowl of steamed rice and giving your wife a hearty handshake on your anniversary. what some another boring ass
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announcement from roger goodell. >> remember we have relaxed our rules about celebration dances. in lieu of a halftime show we will have chris martin telling you something in the mirror that he is a good boy. >> >> chris: that is a good point. horatio. >> i would like to announce this year if you have got balls, deflate them. >> chris: all right. come on! >> chris: there is zero reasons that that should not become a meme immediately of you doing this with your insulating balls. sebastian bach. >> yes.
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>> due to increased concussion protocols, the average life expectancy of an nfl player is now up to 47. >> chris: all right. kick it! [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: yes. there it is. there it is. perfect. fantastic. that was kicking by sebastian bach. >> thank you, thank you, thank you very much. >> chris: i have to say it is always great to hear that sound outside of a strip club which i think is just one time. >> that is what rock music is for. >> chris: it is. >> yes. >> chris: i have been told. next. do the right thing. ben and jerry of ben and jerry's ice cream have a long history of being politically active liberals going back to when they put their rings together and summoned bernie sanders. their ice cream is full of carbs
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now the two freezer empties are bringing their ideals down under, the popular ice cream chain will no longer issue ozzie customers two scoops of the same flavor until the australian parliament offers same sex marriage, it provoked outrages from aussies, marriage equality, what is next? marriage ka wa-la-ti? >> oi! >> i don't know. >> that is actually a lap down there. >> it makes me realize i have no idea what an australian ice cream flavor would actually be. so comedians give me an order you would hear a at an australian ben and jerry's. >> one scoop of ac and one scoop of dc. >> chris: all right. points. and also. >> and of course a side of deep nuts. >> a lightning bolt. >> >> chris: horatio. >> will have a scoop of marbie
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and a sock. >> a sock of flavor or just a sock? >> just a sock. >> chris: okay. good. >> i will have a scoop of mel gibson with extra sugar tits. >> chris: all right. points. points. perfect. let's check the score board. 400 points from great news, season two returns fall thursday to -- horatio sands. >> and also for 400 points, musician and author of 18 and life on skid row, check out sebastian for dates. sebastian bach! >> awesome. >> i am an author, dude, isn't that amazing? >> nice to meet you. >> chris: and with 300 points guest starring on i am sorry,
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allison becker is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: and now everyone is juiced up it is ties for tonight's "hashtag wars". [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: the show celebrates the wonderful weirdness of the internet where anything can happen. like this. >> >> chris: it was a weirdly good argument for intelligent design. unfortunately discovering tiny dancers and poodle can get harder because the fcc decided to roll back net neutrality regulation it is, yes, boo, no
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be, no es bueno which means how fast my porno loads. i don't like them interfering with my loads. so from now -- thank you. from now until august the fcc is collecting comments from the public before they draft a new order and vote on it, so go online and let them know how you feel about net neutrality, by the way when they try this in 2015 more than 4 million comments poured in and only half were bots telling you how you can make 1,500 dollars from your home so in honor of us banning together like a digital super group tonight's hashtag is internet ban, like the rolling stones, or the who keeps sending me these dick pics. 60-seconds on the clock and begin. horatio. >> zombie goes to hollywood. >> chris: allison. >> kenny g mail. >> chris: yes. points, very good. >> robbie cat stevens. >> chris: horatio, porn for
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pyros. >> points. >> chris: gosh darn it. >> skin rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. >> chris: allison. >> oh, 001-0101. >> chris:. >> fleet firefox. >> chris: points. >> porn's addiction. >> chris: yes. points. allison becker. >> control of the -- >> chris: points. horatio. >> two girls, one cup, still a match. >> chris: points. points. please send us your hashtag to @midnight to keep the game going. we will be right back with more @midnight. >> our tweet of the day from our last "hashtag wars" forever ago was sent to us by at scott rube. hi, i'm paul.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it is time to play rock out with your spock out, rock it with your spock out. >> it is almost june, kamikaze season is nice and if you plan to head too one of our nation's fine gathering you will need road tunes to who would win the fight, wolverine or -- and anyone named mark who argues
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otherwise is a (bleep)ing moron i will show you what nerd stuff inspired us. 250 points answer a question about it. first up from the amazing crappy musical, here is a dance jam about making contact with extraterrestrial life. >> >> chris: so usually, usually they tease you with something like take us to your leader or whatever, but although maybe not now. don't let him know i am here. he will send me home. all right. what did this alien say to this singer? allison? >> take me to your forever 21. >> chris: yes. points. very good. horatio. >> i love you but i am not in love with you. >> chris: yes.
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points. it is not the same. now a music video from chris day know which i think is awesome but honestly i have no (bleep)ing idea what is happening in it. ♪ >> chris:. >> whack the heck is that? >> oh, my -- what? whoa! >> chris: there. where is he running? why the dragon? i mean, always that, have dragons if you can but please as director of the video please tell us a little bit about what inspired you. >> first of all he looks like he can use a little bit of product. >> but i think the director was saying, i hate the singer and i want him to look stupid. >> chris: all right. points. that is very possible. allison becker. >> what inspired me?
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mushrooms. >> chris: yes. points. very good. >> chris: what inspired me? i was molested by a wizard. >> chris: points. points. here is a vintage seventies italian disco space jam called problems muss, proximus centaur i are. .. >> >> chris: what? [ cheers and applause ] >> chris: that was jim belushi on bass. that is space -- what did the
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studio smell like after this the shoot? sebastian. >> a sweaty taste of ron jeremy. >> chris: points. >> i can say that, ron is my friend. >> chris: next up, gloria iglesias salute to foxiest ladies. ♪ >> no, you are not a bond girl. oh! >> chris: explosive bullet, what (bleep) happened? the bonds girls usually have names like pussy galore so what is this bond girl's name? >> blonde. big blonde. >> chris: yes. points. very good.
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allison becker. >> ms. lonely hole. >> oh, my god! >> chris: put on the red light. well, it is sunday, well, sunday there was a flasher spotted at the white house, not steve bannon roaming if hall in a trench coat. i am talking about a mysterious flashing red light seen in a second floor window. take a look. there they are. what is this? what is all of this business? look at that right there. it is crazy. multiple theories to what it could be, from a coded signal to an emergency drill, i am guessing it is trump testing out a new tanning bed. i don't know. sean spicer put an end to the speculation saying the red lights were the reflection of an ambulance in nearby lafayette park. >> yes, spice rack we call bull
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(bleep) on that nonsense so let's shed more light on what this could be. during the break come up with something you may hear in the white house red room. we will be right back after the break with more @midnight. >> tuesday they are playing for the following three twitter accounts so they will all be winners of a thing. winners of a thing. ( ♪ ) ( ♪ ) ♪ ( ♪ ) ♪ give extra. get extra.
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these fruit of the loom breaare perfect.wear they need a name just as perfect. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom. doto be our next spokesperson?m seems like a good fit. but he's so boring. i'm yawning just talking about him. well it's our job to change that. uh guys. i think he can hear us. hm. sounds like you're on the fence. why don't i just leave you my resume? yes, it's laminated. no thanks. you're hired! caramel has been square for far too long. uh. ow. introducing new caramel m&m's.
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because we should fit into your life, not the other way around. go to welcome back to the @midnight before the break, i told you about a mysterious flashing red light in the white house, i asked our comedians to give us something you might hear in the weird red room, let's see what you came up w sebastian let's start with you. >> hey, this is satan returning your call. hit me back when you get this. tata. >> all right. perfect. >> he would say tata at the end, he really would. >> chris: horatio. >> rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you destroy these documents tonight? >> chris: all right. very good. allison becker. >> roxann, you don't have to tell my wife you're here. >> chris: all right. great. those were all good.
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1,000 points. all right. it is time for to be determined rock city. i think the rocks agree front ago rock band is warming up the audience. i mean anyone can scream hello cleveland, are you ready to rock? but what if you are not in cleveland, or you are in a town that is not noted for its rock readiness that's why 99 percent of rock star lifestyle is painstaking research, right? >> well, i guess. >> chris: exactly. the other one for mine was paperwork filled out in a coke-ass. >> help these rock stars to come up with as many things as you can yell to crowd in 60-seconds and begin. horatio. >> hello, who is going to poke my anus, roswell! >> chris: point. sebastian. >> hello los angeles, who is ready to fail at acting and get
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into snorn. >> all right. points. great crowd. alliston becker. >> hello florida, are you ready to die peacefully in your sleep? >> chris: points. sebastian. >> all right, detroit, who is ready to get the (bleep) out of detroit? >> chris: all right. points. horatio. >> hello, boca raton, you know your name means rat mouth,. >> right. >> chris: points f allison beck per. >> hello connecticut are you ready to see your first black person? >> chris: okay. horatio i am sorry you are in third place, i am sorry, we have to eliminate you. >> bull (bleep), this is bull (bleep). >> chris: i know. do you have any last words. >> yeah. someone do something about trump. >> chris: all right. red light. that means it is time to pack it in. it is for the win.
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and now american politics is a mortifying donkey show it is no surprise the latest politician that is shaping up to be the ohio governor's race is none other than television a's white trash ringmaster jerry springer! so springer actually does have political experience, he was mayor of cincinnati in the seventies and prior to that he was a city councilman that had to step down when he paid for a prostitute with a personal check. >> oh, for a hand job. >> springer could turn things around after two years from bilbo baggins look alike john kasich, kasich was also publicly embarrassed when he once used a personal check to buy john tish cassettes while eating cat food sand ghiches the dark.
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this barnicle jerry springer may run for office again. what is good political campaign poster for jerry springer in 2018? we will be your, will have your we will be your, will have your answers when we come back t ♪ we will be your, will have your answers when we come back t hey hey canelo... bueno, be bold, put the... hey be bolder. tecate light born bold.
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>> chris: hey, welcome about a to @midnight, it is show garbageman is running for office and i asked you make a political poster for gubernatorial candidate jerry first one, dog bun is a less embarrassing politician than donald trump, 2018! or, number 2, america, you are not the father! springer 2018! number two. who is number 2? >> sebastian bach has won the internet! sebastian bach! you have won. we will see you tomorrow night.
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he is exceptionally tall. i am not short. until then. check in on twitter and. tomorrow is freedom day. good night! be nice to each other. thank you. thank you for giving me hair. >> - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - parents, it's that time of year again when the bishops and priests from around the country


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